Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I know your secret!

If you are reading this, I know your nasty, little secret. You hide it, lie about it, cover it up, try to keep yourself from succumbing to its powers, and blame others. Admit it! You. Are. A. Farter!

Now, now, it's okay. I won't tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me.  Can I tell you something, though?  As much as you break wind accidentally, cut the cheese in enclosed spaces, produce silent but deadly clouds of gas, you are not fooling anyone.

Even Google is shy about it. I searched facts about gas and facts about farts. Every suggested search item produced something completely irrelevant to what I want to know. Every person on this planet lets loose and yet no one wants to discuss the inevitable moments when our bodies betray us in the most awkward places and times.  Shocking, right?  Apparently this phenomenon only happens to certain people, like, I don't know, EVERYONE!  Look around today and remember that they have or will have flatulence today.  And it's normal. Okay?  Totally normal.  My best guess is that we are ashamed to admit we have an ANUS.  Okay, there, I wrote it.  Get over it.

As a runner, I feel it is my duty to inform all the non-runners that we are crude and rude on the run. Topics surrounding bodily functions on the run are often accompanied by a show and tell session. Our modesty is wiped away with each step (and wipe in public...truth).  Have you ever seen the line to the porta potties at a race?  We are not ashamed to hold a roll of toilet paper in public or squat down in the middle of the trail with our lookout runner-friend 2 feet away.  Warming up before a race is just another way to test our stomachs and jar all of the gas out before we immerse ourselves into the race crowd out of courtesy for other runners. It doesn't always work, though, and many a "horn" is heard at the sound of the gun.

For whatever reason, farting (you are cringing because I wrote that, right?) in a race isn't nearly as embarrassing as, say, in the elevator.

My most embarrassing gas escape happened during an overnight party at the high school for my volleyball team.  It was in the middle of the night, lack of sleep, hopped up on caffeine and pizza and we were goofing in the gym. I jumped up to spike the ball and when I came down, well, it was not my finest moment.  It's how I shut the game down.

What is your most embarrassing fart moment?

Flatulence pads - reusable!   In case you ever need a "muffler"...
Did you know there are products available to filter your farts?  Seriously!  Fart filtering cushion!